Finding some clarity.

The past few weeks have been a veritable roller coaster.  I feel like my whole world changes every day, and I'm never sure whether my decisions are taking me in the right direction or making it all so much worse.  It's been exceedingly difficult to have faith in myself.

Yesterday I ran another trail race with my favorite Chicago race organization, the Muddy Monk.  As usual, it was a fabulous experience (race recap pending) and the trail was gorgeous.  For a long stretch, most of the second half of the race, I found myself alone on the trail with considerable distance between myself and the next runners ahead or behind.  Turns out, when you're in the middle of a beautiful forest, pushing your physical body at maximum exertion, with some of Floyd's most chill tracks blossoming calm into your hears...  It's the perfect setup for a few moments of mental and emotional clarity.

Photo courtesy of the Muddy Monk photographers!

I am a strong person.  I always have been.  When I started running and racing last year, it was to prove to myself how strong I really am, but I shouldn't need to prove that to anyone, much less myself.  My entire life has been built on my own strength.  There are times when I say I don't want to be strong anymore, or that I am getting too weak to keep fighting, but everyone who knows me also knows that I will never give up on my life.  And I realized yesterday that they are right.

The days are tough right now, and the long nights are even worse.  Packing my life into boxes that don't have a destination is painful.  My uncertain future makes it almost impossible to establish relationships as they present themselves, be it job opportunities or new friendships.  I still feel trapped - but it'll all end eventually.

I just need to gut it out a little longer.