Yesterday I ran another trail race with my favorite Chicago race organization, the Muddy Monk. As usual, it was a fabulous experience (race recap pending) and the trail was gorgeous. For a long stretch, most of the second half of the race, I found myself alone on the trail with considerable distance between myself and the next runners ahead or behind. Turns out, when you're in the middle of a beautiful forest, pushing your physical body at maximum exertion, with some of Floyd's most chill tracks blossoming calm into your hears... It's the perfect setup for a few moments of mental and emotional clarity.
Photo courtesy of the Muddy Monk photographers!
I am a strong person. I always have been. When I started running and racing last year, it was to prove to myself how strong I really am, but I shouldn't need to prove that to anyone, much less myself. My entire life has been built on my own strength. There are times when I say I don't want to be strong anymore, or that I am getting too weak to keep fighting, but everyone who knows me also knows that I will never give up on my life. And I realized yesterday that they are right.
The days are tough right now, and the long nights are even worse. Packing my life into boxes that don't have a destination is painful. My uncertain future makes it almost impossible to establish relationships as they present themselves, be it job opportunities or new friendships. I still feel trapped - but it'll all end eventually.
I just need to gut it out a little longer.