' Adventures with FitNyx: January 2017

Monday, January 9, 2017


I had a huge post written for New Year's.  It started with a meaningful resolution and through the writing of it, I ended up branching into a lot of points without really feeling like I had conveyed anything I was trying to say.  That's how my life feels lately.  Wandering.  Indirect.  Never able to express things clearly.  There's a lot of confusion.  Even this paragraph, right now - I have no idea where I'm going with this or what I want to try to say here or how to get it out properly.

I don't have many friends.  Tons and tons of acquaintances, but when I really need someone to talk to, I've been coming up dry.  When I DO have the opportunity for a meaningful conversation, I struggle too much to get my thoughts and feelings across.  I haven't written much lately and I've avoided a lot of people simply because I don't know how to make people understand.

Or misattributed.  I chose this one on purpose, it's so on-point.

This isn't a new phenomenon in my life.  I've never felt understood.  I've never been able to convey my essence or my thought process or my ethos or whatever to anyone in my life, and that has made me feel so very distant, all the time.  There are precious few connections in my world that feel genuine and even fewer that last more than a few weeks.  This has always been the case, no matter how hard I work in any given situation to forge something meaningful and enduring.  Somehow I am always thwarted - and it is usually by my own actions.  I try to express something important and come to an understanding, but I am never able to speak clearly enough to be understood.

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of it.  I can't seem to do anything right to keep the things I want and love in my life.  I've lost so many great things that every time a new one comes into my life, I spend every day worrying about when I'll lose this next one.  Basically, I'm living in fear, and it's crippling me.  I hate it.

Something has to change.  I need to break this cycle.  I can't keep losing everything meaningful after fighting so hard just to get them in the first place.  This is my goal for 2017, my resolution, my promise to myself.  I have to find a way to move forward and find ways to connect.  Find ways to establish stability and not only earn good things, but to keep them.  And to figure out how to make people understand who I am.  To stop being the misfit, the odd one out, the expendable one that just doesn't quite work with everyone else.  Because it's killing me.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but hopefully I can find a way before I lose anything else.  Before I feel any more marginalized and trivial in my own world.  So I guess, bring it on 2017, let's try to make this work for once, eh?