This is a difficult post to write, because it will be my last.
Obviously I have struggled over the years, and especially more recently, to keep this blog up and running with any kind of regularity. Short bursts, sure, I was all over it! But in the long run, it constantly became the Thing of Least Importance when it came to how I wanted (or was able) to spend my time. Now, as I'm refocusing my life once again in hopes of finding better balance and more happiness, I'm making more time for things like a blog - but this is not the blog on which I want to be spending that time.
Recently, I decided to retire from running races. After completing the Cleveland Half Marathon as my 28th half (and 26th consecutive month of half marathons), I have realized that the running does not "do it" for me anymore. I started running a few years ago to deal with a difficult divorce from an emotionally abusive narcissist. My networks were slowly being cut off and I was forced to create new connections for myself to keep my head above the emotional waters. Running became my lifeblood for a while, providing me with supportive friendships, exciting opportunities, constantly evolving goals, and plenty of vigorous exercise. Running branched into more generalized fitness, and eventually into a career path that seemed so full of promise.
Years later, I really can't complain about what the running industry has done for my life. On the whole, fitness and fitness-related pursuits have brought me so far forward during a time when I could easily have let the tidal waves sweep me back into oblivion. But the journey has not always been smooth, and some of the problems that have evolved out of this life pursuit are starting to wear me down once again. The running itself, the fitness classes, the race management career - they're wonderful things, but they no longer fit into my life the way I expected them to continue as I moved forward.
And it's time to let them go.
I haven't yet left the race management job, and am not sure when I will, but I am starting to limit my time and involvement in many ways. Especially in the past six months, I have sacrificed more than my share of family events, personal pursuits, general free time, and health in the name of my work, and it cannot safely continue. While I still love much of what I do, I don't love it enough for the job to consume me completely. I'll slowly be making adjustments that will allow me to get back into the things I have always loved, not just the things that have come up over the years to fill the gaps.
It's time to get back to creating.
If there's ever been one completely consistent thing in my life, it's been the power of creation and the way it makes me feel. Crafting, writing, building, painting, weaving... whatever form it takes, making stuff has always made me happy. I've tried dozens of different kinds of projects and while I've never focused enough to truly hone my skills in any one medium, I now have this massive repertoire of Ways to Create. It's about time for me to spend more effort and investment on these types of things. I know "making stuff" doesn't necessarily pay the bills, especially not right away, but I can't neglect the side of me that screams with creative energies anymore. I'll do what I have to for money, as always, but I'm opening my mind to alternative approaches to a paycheck (mostly through freelancing) and looking for opportunities that will give me the freedom I need to be myself more often.
As I strive to find my balance again, I'll be launching a NEW blog/website shortly with the intention of sharing my creative journey into my future. Not necessarily by highlighting the things I'm making, but by focusing on the progress I'm making. I've had this project in mind since I left Chicago years ago, and some of you may remember my post about the Soul Pose festival that marked my last day in Chi-town - well, that "fiercely serene" mantra has stuck with me ever since, and I am very proud to announce that within a few weeks, you'll be able to find me at www.fiercelyserene.com to follow this new journey!
Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the running and fitness world over the years. You have inspired me, challenged me, believed in me, supported me, and shared so much of yourselves with me. The impact you have made on my life will never fade and will never be forgotten. You will forever be a beautiful addition to my story. Please know that I do not leave this community behind just because I am stepping out of its activities. Please stay in touch, I still want to celebrate your successes and enjoy the people with whom I have connected for so long.
Moving on can be very difficult. This change of direction is no different, but there's something calming and, indeed, empowering about making the change willingly and for myself. Too many of the upheavals in my past were predicated on someone else's decision making putting me in a tough spot. Today, I'm the one in control, and I am taking control for my own benefit. It's time to finally forge the future I have always wanted.
Join me for the journey forward.
